CommentsDevious Comments  I'm not sure you can. It seems to be built into the format for this kind of poem. Let me look again. But be warned: I am no poet, so what I recommend may be contrary to the requirements of the "assignment"!
On a second reading, here were the spots where I stumbled:
- Having "lagoon" and "ride" on separate lines made me pause. A lover and lagoon can both "spatter", but when you put ride in the next line, I was inclined to run it together with the names of the amusement park rides: "Ride Rattle Snake Rapids..." All this would be fine and would have a rythmn that would carry me along, but then the stanza ends with the phrase "Utah's a desert -- arid bowl." It didn't seem to go with the images I had in my head. Could you extend the visual of rapidly moving water through the end of that four-line stanza? Then start the next four lines with the description of Utah? - The problem persists for me when you combine the description of bones and skulls in the same segment as the weather report. Again, I wish they could each be extended into their own four lines. See. I am so bad at this. I have ruined a Bref Double by insisting it be longer and do more than the structure allows. That's why I said before the flaw does not appear to be with the writer but with the format. I saw it and read it, but haven't had time to comment again. Too much going on around here. But it is still in my in box, so I will. Please be patient. Overall reaction: Worth the additional effort.
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It's not a fault of the poet, though. There were still plenty of thought-provoking lines for my taste:
- "...spatter you like a lover..." What a sneaky wonderful description!
- "Burst fish tank of sky, wrung towel." Oh, how true. The heavy rains here have felt exactly like that. I'm still wringing out.
- "...sketchy flame of Summer, drenched." Only to rekindle again and become a humid July.